Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 8/22
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist
A – Actually pretty good. Wow, Cena is tearing it up. I liked his opening promo, especially his confidence. Viewers don’t see this side of Cena enough. I got pretty pumped when he told Del Rio he was going to beat him. What? I’m not allowed to like Cena? He’s doing a good job!
B – But...he can’t be that awesome for long. Good point, Punk, who is Cena to dismiss Del Rio for having lots of cars? He literally does have 10,000 cars. This is where I start hating Cena. He contradicts himself a lot. His underdog character doesn’t work when we see him in movies and on TV. Cena is too big to be an underdog. Punk nailed that before their Money in the Bank match and I really think WWE should run with it. You don’t have to turn him heel but let his character grow. Him and his character are rich stars now, play into that.
C – Come on. For being on TV for 15 years, Triple H seems to have forgotten that stripe shirts - especially brightly colored ones that look like they were stolen from Billy Dee Williams - tend to confuse cameras. Smart.
D – Don’t. Not a bad opening segment, but I don’t like Punk being mixed up with Cena-Del Rio. I understand he has to want a re-match or he looks stupid, but I really preferred the idea of him and Cena having different stories. Keeping these two far apart for now is good for business.
E – Either that or he’s from Bizarro World. Terrible sign Volume 46: I love the kid holding the “Canada hates the Miz” sign upside down. I like to imagine he’s holding it upside down so his dad can read it while doing crazy Jack LaLanne workouts.
F – For real. NAFTA was in full effect this week! An American vs. a Mexican in Canada? Ah, free trade. I’m just worried Zack Ryder will come out and Canada will decide to build a fence...
G - Grade B. It could’ve been better. I thought the stories were strong, though, and the matches were at least semi-entertaining. It was better than green ketchup, but not as good as doing a Louie Armstrong impression when you order pizza. “I want p-p-pep-per-ronnniii yeeahhhh.”
H – Hold on! I figured it out! Morrison was the fake Sin Cara - that was a tilt-a-whirl botch for the ages. Speaking of the fake Sin Cara, I really hope this doesn’t become the new fake Undertaker; you know, where everyone always asks “Hey, did you know there was a fake Undertaker?” Yes, yes I did. Did you know I want to punch you?
I – I liked it. Del Rio vs. Morrison was good enough. I enjoyed it, but I don’t understand why the WWE champion is wrestling all these guys below him – especially in such close matches. Give him a squash, all these close matches are doing is cheapening his reign and the title. Since when does the WWE champion open the show in a non-title match? Oh yeah, since the new decade began. We need to end this.
J – Just wondering: Why did it take a heel turn for Natalya and Beth to dress nice? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Don’t get me wrong, I like that WWE has a Divas story, but they’re going about this all wrong. Beth and Natalya are way too over for this heel story and, again, Natalya is smiling like she just got a piece of candy. Let them be dominant faces, you know, like Kharma.
K – Killing me. Nash looks like someone’s grandpa. Can he at least try? Have fun fishing, Kev? How‘s that “World’s Greatest Grandpa” mug? Did you buy any new hard candy for that nasty old dish or are you just going to leave the same 6-year-old candies out?
L – Let’s keep the clothing criticism going with Vickie. Terrible shirt, Vickie. It looks like a bird hit a glass window and slid down her shirt. I hope she wears these outfits on purpose to get heat.
M – My super secret favorite wrestler is Jack Swagger. There, I said it. And, I like where Swagger’s story is going, but I don’t like the inevitable rubber match next week vs. A-Ry. A-Ry went from being one of my favorite up-and-comers to annoying me. He makes no effort to get the fans into the match. He’s a terrible face. He looks too punchable to be a good guy.
N – No idea. Triple H doesn’t know what he wants to be. Sometimes he’s the no-nonsense, badass former wrestler and sometimes he’s the diplomatic, COO. I’m confused. I do like the bit about Nash not being an employee, though, that shows they actually thought this through. And, nice mention for Tim Horton’s (my mom manages one). I don’t know what to say about Punk here that already hasn’t been said. He’s close to becoming the best promo in wrestling today.
O – Oh, hold on, guys, Evan Bourne has to finish his nine times tables before the match. Kofi has been trying to show him the finger trick all night; it’s just not sinking in. Poor kid.
P – Praise. Again, I can’t lie, I love Otungacutty. They have swagger. I’d love to see them join Vickie’s stable. They’ve improved ten-fold since becoming champs. They move with purpose and attitude now. Take notes, Alex Riley, that’s how you get the crowd involved. They get a lot of unwarranted hate. Yeah, they were kind of bad in the beginning, but these guys have got it. I’m on the bandwagon. I think the tag division is really healthy. The announcers really seemed to be putting over a new era in tag wrestling. Hopefully Otungacutty can actually stay together and make a run.
Q - Quotes. Since I didn’t heap tons of praise on C.M. Punk this week, here’s the all-C.M. Punk edition of “Quotes”.
Punk: “Maybe it was Stephanie McMahon, I don’t know...with a candlestick...in the library or something.” I love the fact that even he realized the ridiculousness of what he was saying.
Punk (to Cena): “Don’t you have 10,000 cars?” Thanks for having my back, buddy. Yes, in my imaginary world, me and Punk are buddies. We get together with Cody Rhodes and read comics while listening to Rancid. Let me have it!
R – Really? Yes, I couldn’t help it. I had to think of names for Bourne and Kofi, and thankfully my awesome Twitter followers agreed. The following are our proposed names (any name without a Twitter handle is one I came up with): Air Africa (A lot of people mentioned this one but the first time I seen it, it was mentioned by @wrestleDena), Chocolate Milk (@FozzieMB), Bourne High (come onnn, that’s awesome), Bedtime, 2+2=5, Jamocha (@nutsocharles), Step Brothers Of Destruction (@nutsocharles), World’s (10th) Greatest Tag Team (@LTS55), and How High (@Bandages).
S – Super fantastic, uber wizard awesome. That’s Miz and Truth. Unbelievable. Truth and Miz just put on a clinic. Every young wrestler in the back should have been taking notes during that segment. That was exactly how you get a crowd into a frenzy. Both of them just grabbed the brass ring and yanked it down. This should be the next team to go after the Tag Titles. I’m 100 percent on-board with them taking on Bourne/Kofi. And that rap afterwards? Even better. I’m totally taking credit for that by the way, as I mentioned last week that Truth needs to make up a new heel rap. “You suck! You suck! Now that’s what’s up!” Miz and Truth are my new favorite tag team.
T – Template. In fact, I think that should be the new template. Let guys with clear talent go out there be themselves. Truth and Miz are skilled promo artists. All they needed was a chance. So many wrestlers could benefit from this. Hell, let Otungacutty get some mic time. I think Punk has shown that mic time can have a substantial impact on your career if used correctly.
U – Ultimately, Canada is the only real winner tonight, throwing Cena’s shirt back was such a nice touch and a perfect microcosm for Cena’s career: a portion of the audience is tired of Cena being thrown at them. That audience is rejecting him more and more. It would be wise for WWE to take note. I’m a little disappointed it didn’t happen in Chicago though - that’s kind of the Cubs’s gimmick - but, eh.
V – Very awesome. I always like seeing the guys with the title belts in the crowd. Why? What does that even mean? Are you proclaiming to be a champion? Of what? Wasting money? Do you want people to know you paid $200 for a belt you’ll regret in three months? It would suck to drag that around and you know it has to smell. It probably smells like stale beer and chair farts.
W – Well, the main-event was a good match, but it for sure felt a little rushed because of the time restrictions. The pace was frantic, but maybe that was by design. I just felt like there wasn’t enough selling going on. Still, though, a well-done match in their fantastic series. Punk and Cena are the definition of working well together. And I, like I’m sure everyone else did, saw that swerve with Nash coming. It was still pretty nice, though. I like things being out of Triple H’s control. When the man who’s supposed to look over everything can’t even protect Cena and Punk, then who will? Chaos is the name of the game here and I like it. Still, the cliffhanger this week wasn’t as exciting as last week, but it was effective. I’m still hooked for now.
X - Xylophone.
Y – You know you watch too much Raw when: All the DVD ads start to blend together into one giant, craptastic DVD. The very fact that “OMG” is written on a WWE DVD worries me. What’s next? “LMAO: The Funniest Moments In WWE History?" By the way, I realize that this paragraph has an insane amount of capital letters, and for that, I am truly sorry.
Z – Zero: The amount of people who wanted to see another automobile angle. Really? A car crash? I feel like we’re inching closer and closer to exploding limo territory. The percentage of Canadian wrestling fans who don’t drink alcohol. And, finally, the number of Zack Ryder appearances this week if you don't count his champagne celebration with the new tag champs. His very presence could’ve soured U.S./Canadian diplomatic relationships for years to come.
As always, you can email me via c_cress08@yahoo.com or tweet/follow me (especially the latter) at @CharlesCress. I usually live-tweet during shows and practice a few jokes for my columns, so get on that. And, be sure to check out my writing on themidnightsnack.net. You get entered into a contest to win free stuff just by commenting. And...uh...I’m done whoring myself for now. My pimp is waiting. I’m on my way, Dirty Daddy Biscuit! Weird name, long story.
Source URL: http://aptitudesquestionss.blogspot.com/2011/08/alphabet-soup-raw-823-humor-column.htmlBy Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist
A – Actually pretty good. Wow, Cena is tearing it up. I liked his opening promo, especially his confidence. Viewers don’t see this side of Cena enough. I got pretty pumped when he told Del Rio he was going to beat him. What? I’m not allowed to like Cena? He’s doing a good job!
B – But...he can’t be that awesome for long. Good point, Punk, who is Cena to dismiss Del Rio for having lots of cars? He literally does have 10,000 cars. This is where I start hating Cena. He contradicts himself a lot. His underdog character doesn’t work when we see him in movies and on TV. Cena is too big to be an underdog. Punk nailed that before their Money in the Bank match and I really think WWE should run with it. You don’t have to turn him heel but let his character grow. Him and his character are rich stars now, play into that.
C – Come on. For being on TV for 15 years, Triple H seems to have forgotten that stripe shirts - especially brightly colored ones that look like they were stolen from Billy Dee Williams - tend to confuse cameras. Smart.
D – Don’t. Not a bad opening segment, but I don’t like Punk being mixed up with Cena-Del Rio. I understand he has to want a re-match or he looks stupid, but I really preferred the idea of him and Cena having different stories. Keeping these two far apart for now is good for business.
E – Either that or he’s from Bizarro World. Terrible sign Volume 46: I love the kid holding the “Canada hates the Miz” sign upside down. I like to imagine he’s holding it upside down so his dad can read it while doing crazy Jack LaLanne workouts.
F – For real. NAFTA was in full effect this week! An American vs. a Mexican in Canada? Ah, free trade. I’m just worried Zack Ryder will come out and Canada will decide to build a fence...
G - Grade B. It could’ve been better. I thought the stories were strong, though, and the matches were at least semi-entertaining. It was better than green ketchup, but not as good as doing a Louie Armstrong impression when you order pizza. “I want p-p-pep-per-ronnniii yeeahhhh.”
H – Hold on! I figured it out! Morrison was the fake Sin Cara - that was a tilt-a-whirl botch for the ages. Speaking of the fake Sin Cara, I really hope this doesn’t become the new fake Undertaker; you know, where everyone always asks “Hey, did you know there was a fake Undertaker?” Yes, yes I did. Did you know I want to punch you?
I – I liked it. Del Rio vs. Morrison was good enough. I enjoyed it, but I don’t understand why the WWE champion is wrestling all these guys below him – especially in such close matches. Give him a squash, all these close matches are doing is cheapening his reign and the title. Since when does the WWE champion open the show in a non-title match? Oh yeah, since the new decade began. We need to end this.
J – Just wondering: Why did it take a heel turn for Natalya and Beth to dress nice? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Don’t get me wrong, I like that WWE has a Divas story, but they’re going about this all wrong. Beth and Natalya are way too over for this heel story and, again, Natalya is smiling like she just got a piece of candy. Let them be dominant faces, you know, like Kharma.
K – Killing me. Nash looks like someone’s grandpa. Can he at least try? Have fun fishing, Kev? How‘s that “World’s Greatest Grandpa” mug? Did you buy any new hard candy for that nasty old dish or are you just going to leave the same 6-year-old candies out?
L – Let’s keep the clothing criticism going with Vickie. Terrible shirt, Vickie. It looks like a bird hit a glass window and slid down her shirt. I hope she wears these outfits on purpose to get heat.
M – My super secret favorite wrestler is Jack Swagger. There, I said it. And, I like where Swagger’s story is going, but I don’t like the inevitable rubber match next week vs. A-Ry. A-Ry went from being one of my favorite up-and-comers to annoying me. He makes no effort to get the fans into the match. He’s a terrible face. He looks too punchable to be a good guy.
N – No idea. Triple H doesn’t know what he wants to be. Sometimes he’s the no-nonsense, badass former wrestler and sometimes he’s the diplomatic, COO. I’m confused. I do like the bit about Nash not being an employee, though, that shows they actually thought this through. And, nice mention for Tim Horton’s (my mom manages one). I don’t know what to say about Punk here that already hasn’t been said. He’s close to becoming the best promo in wrestling today.
O – Oh, hold on, guys, Evan Bourne has to finish his nine times tables before the match. Kofi has been trying to show him the finger trick all night; it’s just not sinking in. Poor kid.
P – Praise. Again, I can’t lie, I love Otungacutty. They have swagger. I’d love to see them join Vickie’s stable. They’ve improved ten-fold since becoming champs. They move with purpose and attitude now. Take notes, Alex Riley, that’s how you get the crowd involved. They get a lot of unwarranted hate. Yeah, they were kind of bad in the beginning, but these guys have got it. I’m on the bandwagon. I think the tag division is really healthy. The announcers really seemed to be putting over a new era in tag wrestling. Hopefully Otungacutty can actually stay together and make a run.
Q - Quotes. Since I didn’t heap tons of praise on C.M. Punk this week, here’s the all-C.M. Punk edition of “Quotes”.
Punk: “Maybe it was Stephanie McMahon, I don’t know...with a candlestick...in the library or something.” I love the fact that even he realized the ridiculousness of what he was saying.
Punk (to Cena): “Don’t you have 10,000 cars?” Thanks for having my back, buddy. Yes, in my imaginary world, me and Punk are buddies. We get together with Cody Rhodes and read comics while listening to Rancid. Let me have it!
R – Really? Yes, I couldn’t help it. I had to think of names for Bourne and Kofi, and thankfully my awesome Twitter followers agreed. The following are our proposed names (any name without a Twitter handle is one I came up with): Air Africa (A lot of people mentioned this one but the first time I seen it, it was mentioned by @wrestleDena), Chocolate Milk (@FozzieMB), Bourne High (come onnn, that’s awesome), Bedtime, 2+2=5, Jamocha (@nutsocharles), Step Brothers Of Destruction (@nutsocharles), World’s (10th) Greatest Tag Team (@LTS55), and How High (@Bandages).
S – Super fantastic, uber wizard awesome. That’s Miz and Truth. Unbelievable. Truth and Miz just put on a clinic. Every young wrestler in the back should have been taking notes during that segment. That was exactly how you get a crowd into a frenzy. Both of them just grabbed the brass ring and yanked it down. This should be the next team to go after the Tag Titles. I’m 100 percent on-board with them taking on Bourne/Kofi. And that rap afterwards? Even better. I’m totally taking credit for that by the way, as I mentioned last week that Truth needs to make up a new heel rap. “You suck! You suck! Now that’s what’s up!” Miz and Truth are my new favorite tag team.
T – Template. In fact, I think that should be the new template. Let guys with clear talent go out there be themselves. Truth and Miz are skilled promo artists. All they needed was a chance. So many wrestlers could benefit from this. Hell, let Otungacutty get some mic time. I think Punk has shown that mic time can have a substantial impact on your career if used correctly.
U – Ultimately, Canada is the only real winner tonight, throwing Cena’s shirt back was such a nice touch and a perfect microcosm for Cena’s career: a portion of the audience is tired of Cena being thrown at them. That audience is rejecting him more and more. It would be wise for WWE to take note. I’m a little disappointed it didn’t happen in Chicago though - that’s kind of the Cubs’s gimmick - but, eh.
V – Very awesome. I always like seeing the guys with the title belts in the crowd. Why? What does that even mean? Are you proclaiming to be a champion? Of what? Wasting money? Do you want people to know you paid $200 for a belt you’ll regret in three months? It would suck to drag that around and you know it has to smell. It probably smells like stale beer and chair farts.
W – Well, the main-event was a good match, but it for sure felt a little rushed because of the time restrictions. The pace was frantic, but maybe that was by design. I just felt like there wasn’t enough selling going on. Still, though, a well-done match in their fantastic series. Punk and Cena are the definition of working well together. And I, like I’m sure everyone else did, saw that swerve with Nash coming. It was still pretty nice, though. I like things being out of Triple H’s control. When the man who’s supposed to look over everything can’t even protect Cena and Punk, then who will? Chaos is the name of the game here and I like it. Still, the cliffhanger this week wasn’t as exciting as last week, but it was effective. I’m still hooked for now.
X - Xylophone.
Y – You know you watch too much Raw when: All the DVD ads start to blend together into one giant, craptastic DVD. The very fact that “OMG” is written on a WWE DVD worries me. What’s next? “LMAO: The Funniest Moments In WWE History?" By the way, I realize that this paragraph has an insane amount of capital letters, and for that, I am truly sorry.
Z – Zero: The amount of people who wanted to see another automobile angle. Really? A car crash? I feel like we’re inching closer and closer to exploding limo territory. The percentage of Canadian wrestling fans who don’t drink alcohol. And, finally, the number of Zack Ryder appearances this week if you don't count his champagne celebration with the new tag champs. His very presence could’ve soured U.S./Canadian diplomatic relationships for years to come.
As always, you can email me via c_cress08@yahoo.com or tweet/follow me (especially the latter) at @CharlesCress. I usually live-tweet during shows and practice a few jokes for my columns, so get on that. And, be sure to check out my writing on themidnightsnack.net. You get entered into a contest to win free stuff just by commenting. And...uh...I’m done whoring myself for now. My pimp is waiting. I’m on my way, Dirty Daddy Biscuit! Weird name, long story.
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